Category: Uncategorized

I’ve been struggling a lot lately.

Trying to string words together, or find a scrap of motivation to take the camera out, or do really anything except slog through the day’s chores and hide inside a book for a few hours has been like trying to drag a carcass through a tar pit.

There’s a YouTube video that I’ve been trying to make since last winter that I’m about 3 seconds from scrapping entirely. It’s aptly titled “In The Weeds” and has a great soundtrack and intro, but it keeps falling apart because I don’t know where it’s going.

There’s a post about what it means to “live a life in myth” that I’ve been trying to write for, probably years, but definitely months that I’ve deleted and rewritten more times than there are grains of sand in the driveway.

My former studio, now craft room, hasn’t been used in months and is in dire need of being cleaned and reorganized, but I can barely make myself go to it’s door, let alone go in and stay in long enough to start sorting through the wreckage.

The world is A Lot and trying to be creative and whimsical while everything is on fire is just….

{screaming noises}

* * * * * *

*deep breath*

One big thing I realized the other day is I think I’m too scattered and fragmented again. I keep trying to keep things separate, instead of combining everything into one whole. My blog is separate from my photography. My photography is separate from my silly little traveling stuffed animals. My YouTube channel is separate from everything. I stare at the scraps of paper and bottles of odds and ends and wonder how it all fits together, while simultaneously making sure that none of it encounters anything else.

Yeah, can’t imagine why I feel like I’m scattered across everything. I *am*.

It’s time I stop trying to sort the puzzle into several different pictures and accept that it’s all one big picture. I’m going to start using Instagram again. At least until a viable alternative appears. No, I’m not starting a third account, Fester the Zombie Bunny and I are going to make an announcement that he’s changing the name of his account and that he and Mom will be sharing the one account under Tricksters Road. I’m going to stop trying to define a life in myth and just fucking live it already. I’m going to either scrap that damned video and start a new one, or take it in an entirely different direction than I’ve been trying to make it go, already. Either way, that thing is getting posted by the end of the week, so help me. I’m going to be blogging regularly, starting now.

It’s time to pull the fractured pieces back together.

How my day started….

Me: “Yes, hi, I’m calling to see if you’re able to schedule time this afternoon to get my van up on a lift to check the transmission fluid level? The axle was repaired yesterday by a friend who restores old vehicles, and the seal disintegrated, dumping fluid out. It was fixed, but due to the fact that it’s a sealed transmission (and therefore requires special tools he doesn’t have), he wasn’t able to check if he put the correct amount of fluid back in or not.”

Garage: “So, you’re going to need to get that looked at immediately. Your transmission does *insert lecture about transmission functionality*. If there’s not enough fluid *insert list of issues* can happen.”

Me: “Yes. I’m aware. That’s why I’m calling you. Because the fluid dumped and the manufacturer decided to remove the dipstick and made it so that we can’t check it ourselves anymore. Can you get it on a lift today or not?”

Garage: “Well, if you can drop it off we can maybe get to it later in the week.”

Me: “Do you have a loaner vehicle? We’ve only got one car right now and can’t be without one.”

Garage: “We don’t, but you really need to get that looked at immediately. If you can drop it off tomorrow morning, we can try and get to it sometime this week. If your transmission doesn’t have enough fluid in it….”

Rinse and repeat multiple times, all before being properly caffeinated.

Here’s hoping that this evening’s trip to a dealership (where a time slot was eventually located) will involve less mansplaining bullshit and more just fucking checking the damned fluid level like I asked.

Gods this winter was rough, wasn’t it?

Okay, spring has been pretty rough, too, not gonna lie.

On the upside, while the horrors persist, so do I, and that means it’s time to dust off the walking boots and get back to work.

What have I been up to the last month or so? *quietly slides Necronomicon under the nearest pillow* Totally wasn’t trying to decide whether or not waking Dead Cthulhu from His eternal slumber to devour us all was a good idea. (Look, it’s been a long year and it’s not even April yet.)

In the good moments, though, I’ve been writing a little, working on learning to play the kalimba, and figuring out a plan for the YouTube thing that I started last fall. I’ve been trying to find a remote job that doesn’t set off my health issues. Biding my time until the sun returns.

Right now, as I write, I’m listening to Senator Cory Booker speak on the Senate floor. He’s been speaking for over 19 hours now, and I’m so proud of him and everyone who is supporting him. In these days, it’s nice to know that some people are trying to fight this shite.

On that note, I’m going to wrap this up, because I’m also fighting some sort of respiratory issue and it’s naptime.

Be well, my loves. Talk to you soon.

One of the things I’ve been trying to sort out is what to do about the stories I posted over at the Old Website. I’ve decided that I’m going to repost some of them here, because well, it’s where I’ve got to post them. So that’s going to take effect immediately.

Eventually I want Auntie Yaga and her monsters to have their own site, but for now this will be their home.

It’s nearly 2025.

How the hell did that happen?!?

Gods, it’s been a while since I last posted. I’ve gotten out of the habit of writing regularly, and it makes me sad. For the last couple of years, I was putting so much pressure on myself to try and monetize everything I possibly could that I lost the ability to do anything. Just doing things for the sake of doing them, without an eye to “how can I tailor this to appeal to people who might be inclined to give me a couple of dollars for something”, is horrifyingly difficult. I hate it and I hate that I basically ended up right back where I started. Burnt to ash.

(On a tangential note, oh my fucking gods, people…toss coins to your wordwitches and spellsingers and other artists. Likes and shares are great, and appreciated, but at the end of the day, they don’t pay the bills. I know far too many small business owners who’ve had to close this year because people loved their stuff, but not enough to pay them, and it’s heartbreaking. More on that eventually, when I can be civil about it.)

Anyway.

So yeah. New Year’s is rapidly approaching, and this year I think I’m going to try something different. I’m going to make a list of things I want to learn or try. I gave up on the traditional “make a list of ways to torture myself for not being enough for other people” lists (you know the ones…the lists that are all “I’m not thin/muscular/good enough”) years ago, Instead, I tried setting a word of intention. That’s had some pretty bad luck in the recent years, and has started becoming a point of stress, so I’m letting that go, too.

This year, I’d like to learn to make matcha properly, with the right tools. I’d like to improve my photography and videography skills, which also means getting outside more. I want to learn a “signature dish” to bring to social gatherings. I want to learn how to crochet a “magic circle” for amigurumi. I want to work on getting back in the habit of writing again. I want to read a new library book once a month. I want to visit the Edward Gorey House Museum. I want to learn a new soup recipe. I want to plant more milkweed.

Most importantly, I want to live my life on my own terms, and I don’t want to waste all of my precious, limited energy trying to figure out how to monetize every scrap of my existence. Ideally I’ll figure out a way to live on my terms AND make enough money to pay my bills at the same time. Finally.

In the meantime, there’s a recipe for pumpkin chocolate-chip muffins I’ve been meaning to try waiting in the kitchen. I think it’s time to give it a go.

What are your plans for the coming year?